Fear & Doubt

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared about moving. I'm trying to enjoy this process. I really am. But over the past few days I've been plagued by fear and doubt. They've been cropping up to piss on my parade. It's been going something like this: What if my truck breaks down on the drive up there? What if I get up there and the water doesn't work? What if I hate the job? What if I can't fit all my stuff into the storage unit? What if I forget to bring something along that I'll really need? What if I get up there and realize it was a big mistake? What if I'm just being selfish by leaving my recently widowed mother here? What if I relapse? On and on and on.

It's interesting to me that I'm having these thoughts and emotions about this. I've done a LOT of moving around over the course of my adult life. With past moves I don't recall the fear being on me like this. It always seemed like I was up for the challenge, the unknown. I was younger and more naive then. And I was also smoking a ton of weed and drinking beer a lot. And for a lot of the moves I had my (now ex) wife to lean on. And of course there was always my dad. I could ALWAYS count on him to bail me out of jam. God I miss that man. He'd know just what to say. He'd reassure me with a word, a glance, a joke. All the fear and doubt would disappear. Now I'm working without a net. It's just me and God. I'm showing my cards and playing my hand. But the stress right now is getting to me. I should know by now that everything will be alright...no matter what happens. But I still have moments of doubt and fear and that's okay, that's alright. It's pretty human to have these feelings. Aside from the death of my father this will be the biggest change I've experienced so far in my sobriety. I've been sober for almost six years. That may seem like a long time to some people but it doesn't seem all that long to me at times. I spent 19 years getting fucked up six ways to Sunday. The disease hasn't left me and never will. It lurks beneath the surface biding time and waiting for me to make a misstep, to find me in a compromising position...and that's when it will pounce. All I can do is keep doing what I've done these past several years. Keep praying. Keep seeking God. Keep growing and evolving.

I've been meditating on the nature of faith recently. I've come to discover in my own life and journey that faith isn't the absence of fear. Faith is walking through the fear...steadying ourselves in the spirit and soldiering forward. It's not lost on me that the fact that I am a little frightened to be leaving South Carolina shows immense progress on my part. What I mean is that in the past I could not WAIT to get the fuck out of this place. Time after time I've run away. Couldn't get away fast enough. Couldn't get enough miles between myself and Columbia. Inevitably I'd come back...like a yo-yo on a string. I think the fact that I am conflicted about leaving signifies something in me, in my journey, in my arc, in the trajectory of my life. I think the fact that I will miss this place...that I'll miss my friends and family immensely...I think these facts may signal that I am in fact, ready to leave. That I'm not running anymore. That I'm not looking for the quick escape. And that has me bewildered because I've been running and escaping since I was teenager. It's part of the reason I came back to South Carolina and made a commitment to myself to stay here at least 5 years. I desperately needed to stop running. I needed to stand still. I needed to stay put. I'd been flying close to the sun and my wings began melting and losing lift.

I know this is the right decision. I know this is my path. I just need to take a deep breath, lift my eyes to the sky....and believe.