The Sacred Heart

This morning I met my sister at my parents' house around 9:30am. I got to sleep around midnight which is really early for me. I had been up since 3am the previous day. Sleeping in my own bed was pretty amazing I must say. When the alarm clock sounded this morning I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to just lay there and fall back asleep. But I knew I needed to go. I quickly went through my morning routine which always culminates in getting on my knees beside my bed and praying. My prayers are generally the same each day. I rarely pray for specific things. Mostly I pray that God's will be done in my life this day. I pray that my life would have meaning and purpose in Him. I pray that I may seek God at every twist and turn of the day. I make a conscious effort to put my life in God's hands at the start of each day. Things have tended to go a lot smoother in my life as a result.

My father's sisters were there and my mother and my sister. My aunts teased me about my outrageous hairstyle. They are so awesome. My father's family cracks me up. Their teasing was good-natured and it made us all laugh. I went in to see my dad and he was sleeping peacefully in his hospital bed. I went to him and knelt down by his side. I whispered that I loved him and kissed him softly on his forehead. I have no idea if he even knew I was there or not. I didn't spend a lot of time at his bedside today because my sister and I were to take my mother to the funeral home today. It was a surreal experience. As we exited my sister's vehicle I put my arm around my mother and we walked toward the building. Places such as this have always creeped me out and I was prepared for that icky feeling. But I steadied myself for my mom. The receptionist was very kind and well-practiced at making that compassionate smile. IN a short amount of time the funeral director came out and greeted us. She was a classic southern lady, dressed to the nines, full face of makeup, hair and nails perfectly groomed. Her voice and accent were sugary sweet. Her look reminded me of female televangelists I've seen on television. We sat down at a large table and began making arrangements. Out came the binders with loads of information, brochures for caskets, etc. Our goal was to get my mother to focus and make decisions, to not allow her to put this off. We succeeded. I sat on one side of my mother with my sister on her other side. I put my arm around my mother's shoulders and softly caressed her back. Within an hour we had made all the funeral arrangements. I won't go into all the details, of which there are many, but suffice it to say that it is such a comfort to have professionals handling all of these things for the family. For the casket and funeral services the total came to around $11,000. Next we met with a gentleman who led us through the burial aspect of the arrangements. We rode in a golf cart to the cemetery across the street. He pulled out a diagram of the property and showed us some open plots. We chose a spot with two spaces, one for my dad and one for my mom. Their final resting place sits beneath a beautiful tree and shrubbery. We returned to the office and selected a grave marker and vault. Evidently the casket must be placed in a concrete vault in the ground so that the earth doesn't sink over the years. My mother signed the papers and after about 2 1/2 hours all the arrangements had been made. The burial services ran to the tune of something like $14,000. I include these figures because I find them interesting. I had expected as much but still find it a little odd. Throughout this process I didn't cry. My mother broke down a couple of times but in all she did really well in maintaining her composure. I was really proud of her. I was really proud of my sister too. I'm so grateful that she is here. I can't imagine having to do this all by myself. She has taken on a great deal of the burden of responsibility regarding legal/health care matters and I'm so grateful to her for accepting this responsibility and doing such a good job with it.

We drove back to the house and I chatted with my aunts for a short while. Then I went in to sit with my dad for a little while before leaving to go to work. He was still sleeping soundly and looked peaceful all tucked into his bed. While we were away at the funeral home my aunts had bathed him, washed his sheets and he was clean and tidy and snoozing in his bedroom. I pray that this is how he goes. I pray that he just goes to sleep and doesn't wake up. As difficult as all this is, as much as I will miss him when he's gone I have to focus my thought-energy in a positive way towards his end. I know it is coming soon and I pray that he will go peacefully at home. I want to be there when he goes. I want to be holding his hand and whispering in his ear. I want to bid him a safe journey and tell him one last time how much I love him and how much he means to me. I want him to drift peacefully away into the next world with us right by his side.

Over these past two days when I have left the house to go about my own little life I find myself alone in my car, just thinking. I think of God and I think of my life, my father's life, all life. I feel as if pure white rays of light are cascading from the center of my heart and shining out into the world. If I were a visual artist I would paint a picture of it. It is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The closest thing I can relate it to is the sacred heart of Jesus. Pure golden love emanating from the heart of my spirit and radiating out into the cosmos with inexpressible beauty, radiance and majesty. I know this is what will greet my father soon. I know he will be in the kingdom. I'm so happy for him. The pain I feel is my own loss, the loss of the greatest man I've ever known. The man who taught me everything. The man that loved me more than I have ever loved anything in my life. Words cannot express how much I'll miss him but they also cannot tell of the wondrous beauty and light that awaits him. And I know when my time comes I can look forward to seeing him again on the other side. He'll have some wonderful, witty thing to say to me and we'll laugh. And then we'll find a garage to sit in somewhere and watch the rain fall together again.