Uncertainty

I guess it's been around 3 weeks since my dad passed away. Immediately after his death I was super strong it actually really amazed me. Friends had told me to be prepared for a fall and they were right. It hasn't been as bad as I expected. In many ways I feel like I have grown so accustomed to emotional depressions that it's just like..I dunno..old hat to me. "Here it is again." that kind of thing. I spent the night at my mother's house for around a week after my dad's passing. Then I needed to get back to my own life, cooking, working..whatever else it is that I do. The entire past year is a complete blur to me. Ever since my father got diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in May of 2009 I pretty much focused on him and my mom for the most part. I set aside the arbitrary 5 year in SC anniversary that I had been looking forward to. (When I returned to SC in the spring of 2004 I told myself that I would stay here in Columbia for at least 5 years. I knew I needed to stop running away and that I needed to get a firm foundation in recovery before making a big change like moving again.)

Well, here it is coming up on 6 years now...I'm not sure how I feel anymore. I still want to move to WV but I'm deeply concerned for my mother. Case in point: This morning I was woken by the telephone ringing. At first I assumed it was a telemarketer and just let me voicemail kick in. Then it rang again....and then again. Sensing something I rushed to the phone to answer and it was my mom on the other end of the line...sobbing hysterically. This was around 9:30am. By 10am I was at her house and she answered the door with tears in her eyes and still sobbing. I mean, not like just silent tears but full blown cries and sobs. I tried my best to calm her down. On surfaces of tables in the house were scraps of paper with things written on them. It was clear that she was completely overwhelmed by everything...all the red tape of a spouse passing away on top of the pure emotional trauma of missing the man who had been her constant companion for 46 years..for every moment of her adult life. She had stacks of bills to pay and appointments to keep and she was an utter wreck.

I drove her to an appointment with her financial adviser and dropped her off while I went to the City Water office to make her water payment and keep the water running in her house. It's not that she doesn't have money (more on that later) but that she is just so confused, bewildered and paralyzed by my dad's death. After taking care of the affairs with the water I met her in the office of her financial advisor. We went over her assets and then I drove her home. Once we got home I climbed into the pile of mail and bills, sat her down, grabbed her checkbook and began paying her bills. All she needed to do was sign the checks. I put each in its envelope, sealed them, put stamps on them and stacked them neatly on the counter. Then I wrote a list of all the questions and worries she had concerning her finances, etc. I also wrote a list of everything we had done that day and wrote down all the payments we had made in her checkbook ledger. Next I went online and pulled up her checking account information and balanced her checkbook. Now...if anyone knows me they know that this is not my forte by any means. Just two years ago my mom came over to my house to do this EXACT thing for me. I showed her the page where I had written what we had accomplished and then showed her the page of the things we still needed to do. I said that she needed to focus on the things we had gotten done today and to leave the rest for tomorrow. I cleaned up all the scraps of paper, the piles of junk mail, magazines and newspapers and put them in the trash. My mom went into her bedroom and climbed under the covers. It was an amazingly beautiful day outside today and my mom was in her bedroom with the blinds down and the lights off laying beneath blankets and crying. It broke my fucking heart. After straightening up as best I could I went out into the yard and clipped a few flowers off of one of the dogwoods and one of the crepe myrtle trees and put them in a vase on the coffee table. I found a cool book with pretty pictures in it and set it beside the flowers. I desperately want to give her something else to occupy her mind for even a few minutes besides the mountain of worries she's carrying around in her head. It was getting late in the afternoon by this point and I needed to go cook in the restaurant for the night's dinner service. I went to say goodbye to my mom but she was fast asleep. I took the envelopes with me and dropped them off at the post office on my way out of town.

I'm so uncertain of what to do....I still want to move to WV but it just seems so fucking selfish right now. I know my mom needs me and I want to be there for her. But in so many ways I feel like I had been putting my own life on hold for almost six years now and I'm ready to move on with trying to make my own dreams reality again. Do I stay here in Columbia for another year so I can help my mom? I mean..what's another year? But then...when next year comes around will it be something else? Some other reason for me to stay here despite wanting to live my life elsewhere? Am I afraid? You bet. I'm terrified I'll fail. I've failed twice before. What if it's a dream that's meant to be just a dream? Some place I can go away to in my mind...and visit in the flesh a few times a year. I really don't know. Am I crazy? I know I'm crazy but I'm not insane at least. Not anymore.