Saturday, July 10, 2010

Saturday Night Alone

This is a blog posting that I will most likely regret. But I don't care. I'm the type of person who has to be honest with his feelings. I'm not looking for sympathy or advice. I just want to rant.

I'm through chasing after women. Fuck it. You can come to me. I've been through so much in my life its seems. Pre-sobriety I always had a woman in my life. Sure, the relationships weren't always of the most healthy variety but there were some really fun, good, happy times there too mixed in with all the drama I created. Ever since I started staying sober and straightening up my life it seems like I've been fucking kryptonite or something to women. I've made lots of female friends (for whom I am very grateful) and had a few flings but I have yet to meet a woman who just...I dunno...feels RIGHT. I've tried to pursue some women. They act interested for a time I guess. I don't know. I can't figure it out. For years I really hated myself and used alcohol and drugs to prop up an image of myself that I thought was attractive. Well, today I honestly love myself, not in the vain, egotistical manner but an honest, true love for myself. I may not be "all that" but I feel like I'm somewhat of a catch. I'm reasonably good looking. I'm healthy, smart, funny. I'm a pretty amazing lover. I am a fucking professional chef for Christ's sake. I pay all my own bills, own my car, am now living on a beautiful piece of property that one day I will inherit. I'm kind, compassionate, loving, affectionate, generous. What the fuck man?

Sometimes (like tonight) it just makes me fucking crazy that some beautiful, sweet, kind, loving woman hasn't snatched me up. Well, you know what? Fuck off then. I guess I'll stay single until the day I die. Clearly I'm caught up in a bit of self-centered fear tonight. LOL That's alright. That's okay. It happens. I guess one of the reasons that brought this on is the fact that I have a Saturday night off and no one to share it with. It kinda sucks to be honest. I'd love to have a girl over, cook dinner, talk, sit by a fire outside, listen to music...just spend some time together. I never imagined I'd be 38 years old and single. I imagined I'd probably have a wife and kids by now. I don't mind the not having a wife and kids part though. I can't imagine putting them through what I've been through over the past ten years. Actually, ten years ago I DID have a wife! But that is another story for another day.

I guess what I'm saying is that it would be nice to pursued for a change. It would be nice to feel wanted...maybe even needed, you know?

But for tonight I give up. I've got my cool mountain breezes, bull frogs, high speed internet and NPR to keep me company.

Good night.

4 comments:

  1. I love how honest you are. It's sexy.

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  2. Thank you Kathleen! I've reread this particular posting a few times and it makes me cringe. LOL! That's okay though...I know we all must have our moments when we sound like a whiny little baby. Hahaha! ;)

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  3. Whiny little baby or not, I enjoy reading your posts. You're a wonderful writer.

    I know I sound like a whiny baby or a snob most of the time, but you know what, it's where I vent so it doesn't always show my best side. Whatever.

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  4. I'm gonna tell you what my mama told me. It's better to be alone than to be with someone you don't love. <3 Hang in there, babe.

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