Who feels it, Knows it.

It feels strange to write this but I feel like I am finally here, home in West Virginia at the farm. I moved here on May 19th but the time between then and now (July 1) has just been insanely busy. Not gonna go back through all of it but suffice it to say I haven't had much time for musing or spending much time just enjoying the farm. I've just had the past 2 days off (in a row!) and I've gotten the opportunity to just kick it here on the farm and do some of the stuff I've been wanting to do.

My life is so different here than it was in South Carolina. With the exception of sleeping and working I spend probably 95% of my time outside. I'm always doing something. I'm always moving, piddling about or working hard at something outside here on the farm. Even at this short of distance in time I can look back and see how unfulfilling my life was in Columbia. I don't fault the place...I just didn't feel "right" there or something. I spent so much time in my apartment(s) watching TV, surfing the Internet, watching movies, eating pizza and fast food. My life was totally sedentary.

I'm walking around barefoot outside here, going shirtless, feeling the sun on my skin, drinking cold water from a spring on the side of the mountain. All of my meals I cook for myself or eat in the restaurant kitchen. I get so much joy out of doing little odd jobs and random projects here on the farm. After I complete a project I'll take a break, go down to the cabin, wash off, drink some water, maybe check in on facebook and then I'll jump back on my four wheeler and go back over to whatever it was that I just did and look at it with satisfaction and a feeling of accomplishment. I have such big plans and lofty dreams for the life I am building here. It is moved past the dreaming stage (19 years of dreaming) and into the "doing" stage. My nature is to want to do everything right now...I tend to be a little impatient. So just plugging along with little things is good for me right now. It helps me to feel as if I am getting some things done here and not just working my ass off in a restaurant 7 nights a week.

That whole aspect is another story line...another change...working in a fine dining restaurant in a resort setting again after all these years. It's been really good for me. I'm terribly underpaid (I know most people feel that way but my boss (Chef Eric) even knows I am but there's nothing he can do about it. And for maybe the first time in my life I'm not fighting that whole issue. I'm not taking on the wage I am earning as some sort of personal blow. It's not an ego thing. I enjoy what I do and we are doing kick ass food, I have a beautiful drive to and from work. I like the people I work with and there is very little bullshit to deal with (once you get accustomed to working for a complete obsessive compulsive of a chef! LOL) But even that I can find the good things in. He has superb work habits and great skills. I'm not so blinded by my own ego that I can't work for another chef from whom I can still learn a lot. I've got my line in the water for a few other opportunities out there. Namely I am still guiding myself towards independence, working for myself again. It's going to take a while to get it set up but that is what's going to happen. When I do get set up doing my own gigs again I will have more time to do more of the things I want to do here on the farm. All in good time. I feel a sense of ease, comfort and happiness that I'm not sure I've ever known before. I've had moments of pure joy. Moments when dreams from the past come cascading into the present and it feels like deja vu...like I willed it...like I attracted it...like I pulled it forth out of the multiple dimensions and brought it into existence. And the connection I am having with God right now is astounding....I definitely feel like I am on the beam and in conscious contact with my creator. That is a feeling I wish for every single living person on the planet. Conscious contact. Who feels it knows it, Lord. Who feels it, knows it.