Spewage

Really?? This whole song and dance again? Fuck man. I don't even know what to say about all this shit. Just gonna spew it out as usual I guess. Why does it have to be so fucking hard to find someone? Another heartbreak. Jesus H. Christ. I REALLY dug this girl too. Thought she was awesome, thoughts of the future, dreams, desires, adventures together. She wants to still date other people. I want to be her boyfriend and for her  to be my girlfriend. We were really good together. She told me she was still going to be dating other people. I didn't like it but reluctantly agreed. As the days and weeks went by we spent so much time together and so many really special, intimate moments that I didn't imagine she would even have the time much less the interest to see anybody else. I was wrong. Found out this past week that she HAS been seeing other people and has even been developing feelings for one of them. I just don't get this at all. When she talks to me I'm listening but it's like she's speaking some foreign language that I can't understand. It's just not how I'm wired at ALL. When I start to have feelings for someone, romantic feelings, budding love-type feelings, I'm not interested in anyone else. I'm focused on giving that person a go. Fuck...one relationship at a time please! I mean, for me, a relationship with a single female is complicated enough...damn if I have any interest in being involved in two, three or four at the same time! Lunacy!

I got hurt. Took it personal. The dude she said she's been developing feelings for she started seeing AFTER we started dating. Nice. Can't help feel bad about that for some reason. Triggered insecurities in me. Like, "Oh I guess I'm not enough for you?" Shit like that. All these years in recovery and I'm still taking on other people's actions as my own shit. Should know better. But I don't. I still do it. Was starting to fall in love with her. We talked about the future, having kids, all kinds of shit. Fucking exhausting going through all that shit to end up with nothing at the end of the day. I'll get over it. I'll get over her. I don't know if it's gotten harder or easier dealing with the pain of shattered dreams over the years. A little bit of both I think (if that makes any damn sense!) What's surprising to me is that I haven't grown jaded or cynical. That really amazes me for some reason. No when the next one comes along I'll fucking throw it all there to her just the same. Shaking my head. It's like I'm some knave or something, some love idiot that just keeps throwing his heart out there and letting it get stomped all over. And then there is the blow-back. Christ I can be such an asshole. It amazes me how fucking mean and evil I can be when my heart's been broken. If I did or said even HALF of the shit that my mind comes up with....well, let me just say that I'm glad I have the good sense to censor myself as much I do. When I'm falling in love or in love with someone I feel like I am so loving, kind, sweet and generous. But when I feel as if I've been betrayed I change. I become a cold, callous, evil sonuvabitch. But I've gotten better over the years. I go through stages of grief with the breakup. Don't know what stage I'm on now, reflection I guess.

I don't fault her although I really want to of course. I know I'm to blame. She flat out told me she was going to be dating other people and I agreed to it. But after the times we spent together I really couldn't imagine that she was dating other people. Honestly it's so outside my thoughts on our dynamic that it did come as a shock to me. And then it was a shock to her that it was a shock to me. Like she told me she was going to be doing that and so I had no right to get my feelings hurt the way I did. Oh well, I'm a softie, a romantic. I go all in or I don't go at all. Go big or go home. Kinda feel like a dumb-ass now about the whole thing but fuck, I've been a dumb-ass many, many times before so it's not exactly alien territory for me. She's pissed at me now. Sent me a text today saying she would mail me something I was having sent to her house. I think her words were "I WILL mail it to you. I don't want you here." I'm sure this was intended to hurt my feelings and it did. But the really fucked up perverted thing about it was that I was somewhat pleased that she was angry enough to be mean and try to hurt my feelings. During this whole thing she's seemed nonchalant, matter-of-fact, cold and non-emotional about things. Like, "I told you. You should have believed me." Her showing a glimmer of emotion in sending me that text was actual a signal to me that maybe I did mean something to her after all.

No answers tonight. But the writing process has at least quelled some of the questions. Lots of work to do in my professional life so I guess I will again turn to the kitchen for solace. Been going in early for the past week. Going in early and staying late. So yeah, I've got that going for me. The romantic life fails and the professional life succeeds. Whatever. Good night.