Staring into the Void

I'd give anything to be able to talk to my dad right now, to sit next to him in his garage and be in his presence, to hear his stories, to listen to his distinctive laugh, to look into his wise, kind eyes. I thought about this earlier this evening when I was leaving work after a long day spent completely revamping the resort's food service menu offerings. I drove along the 4x4 road looking at the last rays of sunlight filter through the autumn trees. My body was tired and weary. 38 years old. A lyric from John Mellencamp sang in my head, "How does it feel to be the big daddy of them all?" And that triggered thoughts of my dad. My dad was ten times the man I am. He'd deny it but I know it's true. All the things I still had yet to learn from him and now his time has passed and I'm left with memories of him. I need him right now. He was my biggest champion. Never gave up on me. Loved me unconditionally. I'd go to him with a problem and although he didn't always have the answer in a roundabout way he would give me the answer. Sometimes I wouldn't get it at the time but eventually I would. I know he'd be proud of me for moving up here and living on this land he loved so dearly. I know he'd be proud that in just 60 days I somehow managed to secure on of the only executive chef positions in this area. God I miss him. And last night I spoke to my mom on the telephone. It's getting harder and harder to find the courage to call her because she is such an emotional wreck. It rips my heart into pieces to hear her. She sobs and cries uncontrollably every single time we talk. And there's nothing I can do to take away her pain. She has to walk the path to healing. And I'm grieving too. Fuck man, I don't know.

And tonight I get home after a very long 7 days of working and my mind and heart are wanting to be with C and I can't. Fucked that up royally. I wasn't understanding enough.  I was too impulsive, rash and emotional with my reactions to her actions. She really is a sweet person, a lovely person. Christ I was so happy to have met her and spend time with her. But, as always, I want MORE. More more more! I didn't want to share her with other men. I know that's just how I'm made and that part of me isn't going to change. But I didn't have to act like a prick about it and hurt her feelings in the process of discovering that. I was hurt and I reverted to old thinking and actions. And now...well...now I'm stuck with the consequences of my actions. And I will feel really alone without her in my life. She was such a ray of sunshine to me. I enjoyed her company immensely. I loved talking to her and hearing what she had to say about things. I loved being close to her. I loved kissing her and feeling her beautiful body next to mine. But my own ego has gotten in the way once again.

And then I think of all the scars that have been put on my heart and how I've always imagined other people put them there when in reality it has been me. If I could just learn to love more, to understand more, to be more patient and kind then my heart would heal itself of old wounds, scar tissue would dry up and fall away. But it doesn't seem like I do that. Instead I'm content to finger the wounds, to peel back the scabs, to reopen real or imagined wrongs done to me years ago. I see friends who are married and have been married all these years and I am absolutely fucking AMAZED at the fact that they can do it. I know it's not effortless. I know they each carry their own burdens and problems but somehow they get it done. They make it through the rough patches. They have children, work at jobs for years, own houses. I'm so proud of them. I don't know what's wrong with me that these things in life elude me. If I did know I could change. I know I could change.

Just random thoughts this Tuesday night as I sit here in the cabin on the hillside, bright moon shining out the windows and animals I don't recognize making sounds in the forested night. When I was younger and more naive I felt a sense of excitement, mystery and optimism about the wilderness night. But right now...tonight...it is a cold and ceaseless void. I am alone and I will remain alone. I had a sweet girl to spend my nights with but I somehow managed to find a way to fuck that up. Sleep will come and the sun will rise again tomorrow and I will soldier on, wounded heart and all. But tonight I may just go out and stare into the void. Maybe I'll find some answers there.