To Love and Be Loved

I wish I could be cold and unfeeling. I sometimes long to be invisible. Sometimes I do feel invisible, like a ghost, like a spirit, like an empty husk. Loss so deep and heavy it's physical. You feel it in your body, in your bones, in your organs. It's not just losing this fresh new romantic relationship that's got me in this state, although I know that triggered it. With all the newness of moving to the farm, starting a new job, getting promoted, dating a really fun, interesting girl, my grieving for my father got put on the back burner. It's front and center now. It's real. I feel so alone. This isn't an alien feeling to me. I've felt alone most of my life. What's dragging me down these past few days is that the bright light of her company, her presence in my life has been extinguished. She's gone. Vanished. We texted each other every single day multiple times a day. We spent days and nights with each other every chance we could get. And now it's over. Completely severed and truncated. My sensitive nature is in shock and I'm just starting to come out of it. I was looking forward to her companionship over the autumn and winter, sweet times in front of the fire snuggling and getting to know each other better, spending the holidays with one another, that kind of thing. It sure doesn't look like that is going to happen now.

And this is how I deal with things. I write. I think. I muse. I meditate. I try to learn. I post my thoughts and feelings online to share with others. Part of it is an exorcising of the pain, part of it is to get feedback from my friends, and part of it is that perhaps somehow my words might help someone else who is suffering similarly. If you don't like it, if you think I should just shut up and move on that's your right. I encourage you to stop reading my blog or hide me from your activity feed. Because this is how I deal with things. And I have to deal with them or they will deal with me. Stuffing feelings doesn't work for someone like me. I'm an alcoholic and drug addict. Stuffing feelings is extremely dangerous for me. I have to face whatever it is inside me that is causing me pain. If I don't, if I choose to fake it and pretend I'm fine then I am setting myself up for a nightmarish future of using alcohol and drugs again.

I have the bad habit of leaning on women too much, especially when it comes to romantic involvement. I put women up on a pedestal. Then I get pissed off when I learn that they are human, that they make mistakes, that  they have lives of their own and that their world doesn't revolve around me just because I'm fucking them at that particular moment in time. I've known this about myself for some time but it has taken yet another episode of my egotism and neediness to hammer the point home. C was a fine woman, an amazing woman, a real catch. That is why I fell for her so hard and fast. I've been around the block. I know an amazing person when I meet them. And my excitement and eagerness to be with there blinded me to HER reality, where she is in HER life. She tried to do the right thing by me. She was honest with me about where she was emotionally, romantically and with regards to getting into a serious relationship. I heard her but I didn't listen. I kept right on with the illusion that she was the ONE. She might have been the ONE, if there is such a thing. But she wasn't ready. She told me she wasn't ready. And I ignored her. I realize that now. She behaved in a manner that was entirely in keeping with where she told me she was in her life. And I still allowed myself to get hurt. Fuck I still have so much growing up to do. I really do.



So that is why I do this. That is the main reason anyway. Because I have to. I have to look at myself. I have to keep growing and changing and evolving. When I stop I start dying. And I don't want to die today. I want to live and I want to love. To love and be loved. That is what life is all about in my opinion. love ya, MG