Future Past

Tonight as we were cleaning the kitchen I stopped and said, "Dude, we need some kitchen break down music..." So I went over to the stereo (yes we keep a stereo in the kitchen) and put on a CD. Within moments the kitchen exploded to the sounds of Jane's Addiction. Josh and I worked away on the line scrubbing and wiping down the stainless steel tables, stoves, ovens and grill. Then it hit me. At my very first restaurant job we used to blast Jane's Addiction every single night while breaking down the kitchen. My head went spinning back to the summer of 1991. I had dropped out of college, worked the first part of the summer doing landscaping and towards the end of the summer gotten a job as a prep cook at a local lakeside restaurant where I worked with several friends from high school. I had no idea what I was gonna do with my life, how I was gonna support myself, what direction my life would take, what I would grow up to "be." Frankly I was scared shitless at the thought of all of it. The job was cool because my friend was my boss, we smoked pot at the end of the night and drank beer. We listened to music all night and hung out and joked around with each other. That was good enough for me back then. I made just enough money to buy a quarter ounce of weed when I needed to and to put gas in my car. I was living at home with my parents at the time. I vividly recall sitting out back of the kitchen one day high out of my mind and looking at my feet dangling with water dripping off of my shoes and splashing into a puddle below. I saw my reflection shining back in the broken water and wondered what the hell would happen to me. Most of my friends from high school were in college and pursuing their education. I was getting an education of a different sort. I really wouldn't have imagined that I would grow up to become a chef. I wouldn't be able to fathom the scope and breadth of the experiences I've had as a result of following this career path. I didn't decide to be a chef. I didn't choose it. It chose me. I swear it feels just like that.

So tonight, with nearly 20 years of professional cooking under my apron I was blown away by the symmetry and synchronicity of time and experience. I'm still in the kitchen, still blasting Jane's Addiction, still joking around with my friends but today I am not fearful of the future, and today I make a little more money than just enough to afford a quarter ounce of weed. I've cooked for royalty, heads of state, movie stars, rock stars, famous writers and tens of thousands of regular old common folk like myself. I feed people. That's what I do. It has its ups and downs but it has been one hell of a ride and I wouldn't change a thing.

I've also been thinking of the opportunities that have been laid at my feet over the years. I honestly can't tell you how many executive chef jobs I've turned down. After a while I started wondering why I was turning down all these job offers...I thought to myself, "Dude, this is what you do! Why aren't you taking these jobs??" I know now why I've turned down so many job offers. I really wasn't ready. People seemed to think I was ready but I knew I wasn't. I had sooo much work to do on myself first. Tonight I know I am ready. I know that the stars have aligned and God has guided me up here and that this executive chef job at Pipestem was meant to be. The man whose position I will take worked in that position for 18 YEARS! And then I come along and sixty days later POOF! He's gone and the job is mine for the taking. It's a real headtrip, man. It really is. I'm where I've always wanted to be and now I have a real job that pays good money doing something I love to do. I feel so fucking fortunate and blessed.

Turn up the Jane's bro! It is so fucking on.

Saturday Night Alone

This is a blog posting that I will most likely regret. But I don't care. I'm the type of person who has to be honest with his feelings. I'm not looking for sympathy or advice. I just want to rant.

I'm through chasing after women. Fuck it. You can come to me. I've been through so much in my life its seems. Pre-sobriety I always had a woman in my life. Sure, the relationships weren't always of the most healthy variety but there were some really fun, good, happy times there too mixed in with all the drama I created. Ever since I started staying sober and straightening up my life it seems like I've been fucking kryptonite or something to women. I've made lots of female friends (for whom I am very grateful) and had a few flings but I have yet to meet a woman who just...I dunno...feels RIGHT. I've tried to pursue some women. They act interested for a time I guess. I don't know. I can't figure it out. For years I really hated myself and used alcohol and drugs to prop up an image of myself that I thought was attractive. Well, today I honestly love myself, not in the vain, egotistical manner but an honest, true love for myself. I may not be "all that" but I feel like I'm somewhat of a catch. I'm reasonably good looking. I'm healthy, smart, funny. I'm a pretty amazing lover. I am a fucking professional chef for Christ's sake. I pay all my own bills, own my car, am now living on a beautiful piece of property that one day I will inherit. I'm kind, compassionate, loving, affectionate, generous. What the fuck man?

Sometimes (like tonight) it just makes me fucking crazy that some beautiful, sweet, kind, loving woman hasn't snatched me up. Well, you know what? Fuck off then. I guess I'll stay single until the day I die. Clearly I'm caught up in a bit of self-centered fear tonight. LOL That's alright. That's okay. It happens. I guess one of the reasons that brought this on is the fact that I have a Saturday night off and no one to share it with. It kinda sucks to be honest. I'd love to have a girl over, cook dinner, talk, sit by a fire outside, listen to music...just spend some time together. I never imagined I'd be 38 years old and single. I imagined I'd probably have a wife and kids by now. I don't mind the not having a wife and kids part though. I can't imagine putting them through what I've been through over the past ten years. Actually, ten years ago I DID have a wife! But that is another story for another day.

I guess what I'm saying is that it would be nice to pursued for a change. It would be nice to feel wanted...maybe even needed, you know?

But for tonight I give up. I've got my cool mountain breezes, bull frogs, high speed internet and NPR to keep me company.

Good night.

I'll buy into you

I'll buy into you if you'll buy into me.
Believe the lies we tell ourselves
the truths we strive to hide.

I'll buy into you if you'll buy into me.
Together we'll whistle in the dark,
tell jokes to pass the time.

I'll buy into you if you'll buy into me.
Put up with each others' BS,
shrug off each others' mess.

I'll buy into you if you'll buy into me.
Savor the numbered hours
we'll take outdoor showers.

I'll buy into you if you'll buy into me.
Hate your enemies, love your friends
before sleep we'll always make amends.

I'll buy into you if you'll buy into me.
Kiss your lips and hold your hand
I'm telling you I'll be your man.

I'll buy into you if you'll buy into me.

Song for an Ex: The Player

When he doesn't fuck you
you'll think of me.

When he doesn't lick your pussy
you'll think of me.

When you're dining out gourmet
you'll think of me.

When you're alone abroad
you'll think of me.

When the night falls and the moon rises
you'll think of me.

When loneliness calls and your phone is silent
you'll think of me.

When it's over and done and he's on the run
you'll think of me.

And I'll be thinking of someone else.

I'll be thinking of a woman
loyal and true.

I'll be thinking of a woman
whose eyes are not blue.

I'll be thinking of a woman
with pale skin and dark red lips.

I'll be thinking of a woman
with corset-tightened hips.

I'll be thinking of a woman
with violin and piano.

I'll be thinking of a woman
who sings soprano.

I'll be thinking of a woman
infinitely your better.

I'll be thinking of a woman
who writes love letters.

I'll be thinking of a woman
with the longest blackest hair.

I'll be thinking of a woman
with the sweetest and most seductive stare.

I'll be thinking of a woman
and I won't care.

What the fuck you are thinking about.

Who feels it, Knows it.

It feels strange to write this but I feel like I am finally here, home in West Virginia at the farm. I moved here on May 19th but the time between then and now (July 1) has just been insanely busy. Not gonna go back through all of it but suffice it to say I haven't had much time for musing or spending much time just enjoying the farm. I've just had the past 2 days off (in a row!) and I've gotten the opportunity to just kick it here on the farm and do some of the stuff I've been wanting to do.

My life is so different here than it was in South Carolina. With the exception of sleeping and working I spend probably 95% of my time outside. I'm always doing something. I'm always moving, piddling about or working hard at something outside here on the farm. Even at this short of distance in time I can look back and see how unfulfilling my life was in Columbia. I don't fault the place...I just didn't feel "right" there or something. I spent so much time in my apartment(s) watching TV, surfing the Internet, watching movies, eating pizza and fast food. My life was totally sedentary.

I'm walking around barefoot outside here, going shirtless, feeling the sun on my skin, drinking cold water from a spring on the side of the mountain. All of my meals I cook for myself or eat in the restaurant kitchen. I get so much joy out of doing little odd jobs and random projects here on the farm. After I complete a project I'll take a break, go down to the cabin, wash off, drink some water, maybe check in on facebook and then I'll jump back on my four wheeler and go back over to whatever it was that I just did and look at it with satisfaction and a feeling of accomplishment. I have such big plans and lofty dreams for the life I am building here. It is moved past the dreaming stage (19 years of dreaming) and into the "doing" stage. My nature is to want to do everything right now...I tend to be a little impatient. So just plugging along with little things is good for me right now. It helps me to feel as if I am getting some things done here and not just working my ass off in a restaurant 7 nights a week.

That whole aspect is another story line...another change...working in a fine dining restaurant in a resort setting again after all these years. It's been really good for me. I'm terribly underpaid (I know most people feel that way but my boss (Chef Eric) even knows I am but there's nothing he can do about it. And for maybe the first time in my life I'm not fighting that whole issue. I'm not taking on the wage I am earning as some sort of personal blow. It's not an ego thing. I enjoy what I do and we are doing kick ass food, I have a beautiful drive to and from work. I like the people I work with and there is very little bullshit to deal with (once you get accustomed to working for a complete obsessive compulsive of a chef! LOL) But even that I can find the good things in. He has superb work habits and great skills. I'm not so blinded by my own ego that I can't work for another chef from whom I can still learn a lot. I've got my line in the water for a few other opportunities out there. Namely I am still guiding myself towards independence, working for myself again. It's going to take a while to get it set up but that is what's going to happen. When I do get set up doing my own gigs again I will have more time to do more of the things I want to do here on the farm. All in good time. I feel a sense of ease, comfort and happiness that I'm not sure I've ever known before. I've had moments of pure joy. Moments when dreams from the past come cascading into the present and it feels like deja vu...like I willed it...like I attracted it...like I pulled it forth out of the multiple dimensions and brought it into existence. And the connection I am having with God right now is astounding....I definitely feel like I am on the beam and in conscious contact with my creator. That is a feeling I wish for every single living person on the planet. Conscious contact. Who feels it knows it, Lord. Who feels it, knows it.