Some days it feels as if you’re just trying to keep all the puzzle pieces together in your mind. Yea, some days it feels just like that. You can’t see the forest for the trees and all that shit. There’s a hamster wheel in your head and the demon’s got it spinnin’. Why is it that sometimes the hardest fucking thing in the world to do is sit still and just be? You think you have to have it all figured out. You think you should be here or there in your life. You feel displaced, out of sync, too far gone and floating untethered through the atmosphere into outer space. People try to help you. People try to get involved. But you push them away. You push them away as if you are being greedy with your misery, forgetting that God put you here to help others and thereby help yourself. You are too entwined in your own circuitry for that though. You tell yourself that when this or that happens…THEN you will reach out and be social. But those things come and go and still you resist. It’s a black web of paralyzing goo that seeps over your soul and tries to block out the light.
You feel like you are pushing yourself farther and farther out into the unknown and it frightens you. You dread the thought of failure, can’t wrap your head around the thought of success. You want to break through the impasse but the comfort of your pain inhibits you. You listen to others speak. You hear their voices but everything is muffled. You feel like you are experiencing the world through a wall of fuzz that only you can see and feel. You forget the answer is empathy and compassion. You find yourself the subject of idle rumors. You scratch your head at the words and actions of some of your brethren. They seem to act like a gaggle of hens rather than men. So and so did this or that. So and so didn’t do this or that. Words and hearsay pile up in stinking slabs in your consciousness. This isn’t what you wanted, this pettiness. The small-mindedness and narrowness pushes you further away, causes you to insulate yourself even more. You reach out sometimes but you can tell everybody thinks you’re different. You’re not really from around here. Maybe you don’t belong. But you do belong. This is your land too. This is your place. This is your time. And you know that when you’ve had enough you will surrender it all to the Master, the Grand Architect. Will you Lord? Will you help me keep this puzzle together? Will you hold the pieces in place? Is this bedrock I’m standing on or just shifting sand? Please tell me. I need to know.
